Dating Fail #77

Back again with another winner of a message from online dating that I came across when going through some of my old messages.

“What can I say.. You look great and got me captivated with your great pic too.. There once was a time that I didn’t believe in angels, but that has changed since i came across your profile…If I must say this, I think God must have created you on weekend so as not to be disturbed. You are beautiful and I just want to say I will like to get to know you better.. If only you dont mind. drop me your email address and we can chat.
What do you say Beautiful one..?Mine is email@email dot com
Yours faithfully

Cahill .”

Look great and captivated with my great picture.. isn’t that how he would know I look great to begin with?  Also comparing an atheist (it’s listed on my profile) to an angel and talking about how God created me is probably not a smooth move.  At least his grammar is okay?

Dating Fail #76

Things have kind of settled down on both OkCupid and PlentyofFish lately, mostly because I tend to not check them as often, so there hasn’t been a whole lot of crazy.  For this edition, I thought I would share some of the simple, yet odd messages I’ve gotten.

“Hi I’m Paul I noticed we have a 82% match ….I’m new to va”

So observant of you!  82% isn’t really that high of a match percentage for me though.

“Saw you visited my profile. Feel free to shoot me a message when ever you like. Have a good night.”

Oh okay, I didn’t think it would be appropriate for me to send a message.

“Text me if interested.xxx.xxx.xxx.”

“Can I take you away in my tardis”

That one was almost cute…

“Hi, I’m Corey, and I’m new to Richmond and getting back into the poly lifestyle after dabbling in college. Would you want to be friends?”

Err… okay?  Not giving me much to go on there dude.

That’s all I’ve got for today.

Dating Fail #75

I haven’t been posting much (okay… like none) in a while, so the silliness that is online dating has been building up.  I stumbled across with this one profile that I just had to share with you guys.

“Just cut to the chase and sit on my face.

I’m not going to lie to you or hide my intentions. Just want friends, really good friends who meet each other’s physical needs and who also do other stuff outside. It takes a lot for me to open up I’ve been burned so much and I’m tired of it. Don’t lie to yourself give me a chance and you’ll be well pleasured I promise. I prefer someone kinky! Anal swallowing threesomes that sort of thing!!”

The first line made me snicker.  It rhymes!   I wonder if he did that on purpose…

After that it’s to the point, though it does give a good example of why punctuation (particularly commas) are important.  Anal swallowing threesomes.  I know what the three are individually, but together… I just imagine someone’s ass swallowing up a group having a threesome and that’s more scary than anything else.

Dating Fail #74

So another one of the fetishes on Fetlife that I tend to get a lot of messages about (they could also just see my username and read my profile) are sex toys.

“I too love the toys , also not into all the things you listed as dislikes. I’m similar in that I like some sub things that I just consider pleasurable like receiving strapons. If you’d like a friendly kinky guy to chat with via email let me know. I’m Steve. I love taking pics with my toys too if youd ever like to see.

email removed

Have a great new year!”

I’ve noticed a trend in some messages on Fet that guys will specifically say “Oh hey… I don’t like the things on your hard limits list too!”.  I suppose it’s their way of trying to say they won’t do something I’m not into.  But really, it’s weird to be with someone who only likes and dislikes the same things you do.  But anyway… this guy was brave enough to put in a personal email address and offer to send me pictures.  He was also sweet enough to wish me a good new year, the perfect way to end a message after you tell someone you want to show them a picture of you with a toy up your ass, right?

“Hi there. I’m Shawn and I would love to chat and get to know about your experiences. Hearing about your sex toys would be awesome!

We could even RP. I look forward to hearing from you! :)”

Yeah… because asking for me to essentially tell you about how I use my sex toys isn’t creepy at all, then asking me to RP?  Sorry I don’t think that’s listed on my profile…

 

Dating Fail #73

Back to OkCupid for another old message.  One thing that I have learned on OkCupid and in writing these Dating Fails is that Indian guys apparently love me.  Even if they are still in India.

“Hi, how are you?
I like your profile, and I really like some one like you, if you are ok with me , I am here for you , I am also happy to see you but I am far away from you, thanks for your reply
You are sooooo…. Beautiful”

He really likes someone like me and he’s here for me.  He also thanked me for my reply before I sent one.  I’m just curious as to how guys on the other side of the world find me and what about my profile makes them send a message?

Dating Fail #72

Still not a lot of messages so I’ve been digging through messages on my Fetlife to see what I can find.  I discovered a few months ago when I have certain fetishes listed on my profile, that tends to draw a lot of weird attention.  If you’re familiar with Fetlife, you’ll know when you click on a fetish, it shows you a random 6 or so people who also list it and you can click to view more.  Apparently whenever my profile was up, I would get a slew of messages from guys about this one particular fetish, pegging.  Literally I would get three messages on the topic with in an hour or so.  Now I’ve never even tried pegging, it was in my curious about list, but I’d still get them, and of course these guys don’t look at profiles first.

“I read on your profile it says that you are interested in pegging. I’ve never tried it but i’ve been curious recently. Maybe you and me could have some fun together? I’m 5’11” 135 lbs if you were curious.”

Suuuure you did…  If you read my profile then you’d probably be able to put together that your heigh and weight aren’t going to woo me over.

“i wish i was closer-id love to help try out strapons and such lol. we need more women like you :)”

I didn’t realize I was looking for help to try out strapons, or that I’d want help from you. My question though is who is this “we” and what are “women like me”?  I don’t think the general populace needs or wants more strapon wielding women. (on a site note, this makes me think of Cards Against Humanity…. “Strapon woman was neither the hero we wanted nor needed”).

I know there were more, but I may have deleted them in rage… that can happen after the third of fourth message.

Dating Fail #71

My time on dating sites has been limited (as on my blog) because I’ve just been busy and stressed and dating has been the last thing on my mind.  Plus I’ve been seeing someone (though we’re open/poly).  But the less I visit the sites, the less active my profile is so I haven’t gotten any really awful, yet hilarious, messages in a while.  So I’m digging up a few short ones for today’s post.  The first:

“You are so pretty and you seem sweet.”

Thanks?  Saying ‘Thank you” is about the only way I can think to respond to a message like this.  Plus me sweet? I don’t know how my profile convened that.

“You are beautiful, hope your new year is going amazing!”

Another one liner telling me how pretty/beautiful I am.  I suppose they should be good confidence boosters.  It’s weird to see a string of guys that just message girls and tell them their pretty and NOT ask to have sex with them.  Maybe they just save that till the second message.

“Hey how are you? I liked your photos what other country’s have you visited?”

Points for this guy because he’s the only one out of the three that hasn’t deleted his profile since then.  Not a bad message and he did try to get some conversation going, but here’s a small peek at his profile:

The six things I could never do without
Music, Blood, Oxygen, Money, Freedom, Something to do

I spend a lot of time thinking about
umm you don’t wanna know what comes in my head….

On a typical Friday night I am
Mostly hanging out at a friends house and drinking/partying haha

You don’t want to know what comes up in his head?  To me that just screams serial killer, especially when he lists blood as something he can’t do without, though I’m hoping he meant his own blood in his own body.

Dating Fail #70

For a while on OkCupid, I was getting lots of messages from girls.  I did have myself listed as bi for a while, but took it down when I started getting lots of messages from much older ladies.  However, this message came from a fairly cute, Asian (I believe, she has since deleted her profile) girl who was 19 or 20 I think and no where near me.  Here was her first message:

“hi there :3 how are you, besides pretty? *hugs you*”

Nothing really wrong with that.  I didn’t really have much to say in response and had just checked the message in passing and went about my business.  About 35 minutes later I got this message:

“are you mad at me? D:”

Err… what?  I don’t know you how could I be mad at you? Plus you only messaged me 35 minutes ago!  Possibly a case of mistaken identity?  It’s hard to say.  Not so much a fail as just… very strange.

Dating Fail #69

So I’ve been… behind.  Lots of reasons, and I’ve had several posts as to what’s going on and I don’t really think posting another one will help.  If you want to know what’s been up with me, give me a poke on Twitter.  Now moving on to fails that are not my own…

Since this is post 69, I thought I would be able to find something horribly funny, but this is the best I could do.  I got this message on OkCupid:

“Interesting profile. I’ll just be upfront. I’d like to meet soon to see if we connect physically…if so, we can go from there.

Ed”

Glad to know I’m interesting, but is that a good interesting or a bad interesting?  It’s hard to say.  But it’s the rest of the message that strikes me as funny.  I do understanding wanting to meet to see if there’s a connection because sometimes there’s just no spark.  It’s the connect physically that confuses me.  To me it makes me think: “Hey, you seem interesting, let’s fuck to see if I enjoy it and go from there”.  But hey, at least he’s upfront?

Dating Fail #68

I honestly can’t believe I haven’t posted this one yet.  I could have sworn I did but I looked back over them all and couldn’t find it.  This fail is a short series of messages from one guy and my smartass responses.

Him:  Im your man

Me:  My man for what exactly?

Him:  For the best sex u have ever had oh and yes ill long dick

Me:  Huh… I didn’t know that the letter u likes long dick and sex.  Have fun with that letter!

I did ignore the grammar on the first message… and I’m assuming he meant “ill long” like crazy long.  Unless he was just trying to have “I have”.    Either way… I don’t know why he never responded! And apparently he no longer has a profile, go figure.

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